Breaking News: Jordan Raped

Sources have informed us that Katie Price, mother and celebrity has been cruelly raped, the Thought Flannel can disclose.

Some may argue that she had this brutal ordeal 'coming all along', says Margaret Higgins from Scunthorpe Bus Station Stand G. 'I means she's a whore, isn't she. Everyone knows that. Whith boobs bigger than any standard brazier could handle - the one's I've seen at Marks and Spencer, anyway.'

And indeed, the celebrity may be milking her new image as a good-girl a little bit 'he broke my hymen' she told our reporters through teary eyes (that she never allowed to overflow and wash the tan from her face. Convenient...)

She was also so distraught at her experience that the very next day she had to do an exclusive with Hello! Magazine. Poor bitch - I mean, whore - I mean, lady.

Since her divorce from singing sensation and pop trailblazer Peter Andre, the celebrity has found no other outlet for her despair than 24-hour cock binges in back alleys around Essex. 'I just feel so bad for my children' she told our reporters. 'I just worry about how they are taking it'. Probably not up the arse like their mother, our reporters speculate.

She says 'I think that all rapists should be bent over and raped themselves.' She also voices support for gay marriages. Well, you would need the gays to carry out the punishments on the rapists...

'I'm sorry if some people think that's as extreme as my tits' she adds (we paraphrase here), 'but I'm very strict.'

In I'm a Z-list Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!!!!!!!!!!!!! she claimed that she was very strict also when it came to lovers, and said she thought it should be a delicate and romantic experience. 'Geezers have gotta gimme all loads of well nice chocolate and shit before they can stick their dick up my twat' she intoned lyrically.

Her dulcet tones also added 'I'm not all about tits. Some people look at me and they can't get past the tits. But I've got a mega twat an' all.'

I hope this article has silenced all her critics, and we would like to end on this note. While Jordan may seem immensely stupid, crass, promiscuous, talentless, ugly, common and absurd, you must bear in mind that she is also a human being who just needs a bit of love in her life. Or a bullet in her brain. You decide.