University

Ahhh, the mammarian world of the Great Unwashed invites me to nestle in its great cleavage and drink the milk of education. How very exciting!

Having obsessively researched the city of Sheffield to find everything I will need (i.e. the tobacconists on Exchange Street, the coffee shop on Eccleshall Road and an amusing street name: the street where the police station headquarters is located - Letsby Avenue - I shit you not), I feel I am now fully prepared to press my cup to this educational tit and cry 'fill me up!"

I have spent most of the recent days engrossed in shopping, where I have acquired a range of snazzy new vetements des flaneurs, and little bits and pieces to colour me a proper student.

And I have a few pieces of information for those of you going to university.

Firstly, buy some red peppers. They are great raw in salads and can spice up even the most boring pie (i.e. lentil) plus they are really good for you!

Secondly, do not look at internet porn. It would be awful to come away from uni (excuse the expression) and think you could have done better had you spent less time wanking, and the world of adult entertainment is one designed to keep you in its grip (again, excuse the expression).

Thirdly, drink lots of water.

Fourthly, come visit me. Without this final, and most important point you are sure to forget me, and it is scientifically proven that when I am consigned to the subconscious I become utterly irresistable to the point where you will sudenly think of me during orgasm without any logical explanation. By the way, I realise some of you may already think of me during sex to delay orgasm, but that's not what I mean - and frankly, if you do, I am offended!

I am also going to see Julian Clary and Eddie Izzard at the Sheffield Arena and am tres exited about that!

Love xxx